Indepent topic 1 (Toan)

Topic
Some people think that government should spend as much money as possible on developing space technology for the exploration of the moon and other planets. Others think that this money should be spent on solving the basic problem of society on Earth. Which view do you agree with? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

My essay:
Outline
Opinion : Agree that government should spent money for developing space technology

Paragraph 1: Develop many technology, which benefit society on Earth
- satellite communication, GPS
- Use satellite for predict climate, weather
Paragraph 2: Discover universe
- Find out the origin of universe/Earth
- Explore moon, Mars, other planets.
Paragraph 3: International cooperation
- ISS (international space station)
- Promote peace

Essay:

Nowadays, there are many issues that need government money such as global warming, hungry, and natural disaster. Thus, many people wonder why government spends much money on space exploration instead of solving these problems on Earth. Surprising to them, many technologies which people on Earth use every day is developed base on space exploration program. Besides spending money on space exploration not only leads to knowledge about universe, but it also enhances world cooperation and peace.

Firstly, there are many useful applications for our lives rely on space program. Satellite system is very beneficial not only for communication but also for warning system on Earth. With it, people can communicate any where, know exactly their location. On the other hand, without satellite system, we would not know many environment dangers such as solar radiation, tropical hurricanes, etc.

Secondly, another important reason for spending money on space program is that people can gain a lot of knowledge about universe. The knowledge is very important for us because of the overweight population on Earth. Life on Earth will be ended in the future because of many reasons including the rapidly population increase, global warming. So, a advanced space program can allow us to go to a new place to live.

Last but not least, space programs promote the international cooperation. International space station is an excellent example for the cooperation. It is not only a thing that some scientist from different countries work together, but it also helps these government have more understanding each others.

In conclusion, although space programs are expensive, it is really necessary for our lives. Through space exploration programs, we not only discover the knowledge about universe but also gain many benefits for our society.

I have some comments on your essay:

Firstly, the content of your essay:

- Thesis statement is ok

- Paragraph 1 & 2: have a topic sentence and supporting details => ok

- Paragraph 3: have a topic sentence, but it is quite short. You should include more supporting details, such as international programs, and conclude that cooperation leads to peaceful etc. (like your outline)

- You have a conclusion

Secondly, you have some grammar mistakes. You should check the bold words

Trích dẫn :

Nowadays, there are many issues that need government money such as global warming, hungry(hungry is an adjective), and natural disaster. Thus, many people wonder why government spends much money on space exploration instead of solving these problems on Earth. Surprising to them, many technologies which people on Earth use every day is(are) developed base on space exploration program(programs). Besides spending money on space exploration not only leads to knowledge about universe, but it also enhances world cooperation and peace.

Firstly, there are many useful applications for our lives rely on space program(programs). Satellite system is (Satellite systems are) very beneficial not only for communication but also for warning system(systems) on Earth. With it, people can communicate any where, know exactly their location. On the other hand, without satellite system, we would not know many environment dangers such as solar radiation, tropical hurricanes, etc.

Secondly, another important reason for spending money on space program is that people can gain a lot of knowledge about universe. The knowledge is very important for us because of the overweight population on Earth. Life on Earth will be ended (^^!) in the future because of many reasons including the rapidly population increase, global warming. So, a advanced space program (programs) can allow us to go to a new place to live.

Last but not least, space programs promote the international cooperation. International space station is an excellent example for the cooperation. It is not only a thing that some scientist (scientists) from different countries work together, but it also helps these government have more understanding each others.

In conclusion, although space programs are expensive, it is (they are) really necessary for our lives. Through space exploration programs, we not only discover the knowledge about universe but also gain many benefits for our society.

[b]

My comment
1st: the outline – Clear
2nd: Supporting ideas: ok
3rd: there are some grammar mistakes ( P has commented)
4th: The languages need a little bit more formal.
Secondly, another important reason for spending money on space program is that people can gain a lot of knowledge about universe. The knowledge is very important for us because of the overweight population on Earth. --> It can be more fluent with : Secondly, an important reason for spending money on space programs is that people can gain various universal knowledge which is very important for us because of the ......
I meant, it would be better when we use synonym to paraphrase the ideas. For example ; know = get inform. = learn = ...